How to Translate Business Speak (Hint: “Maybe” Means “No Way”)

I’ve been struck recently by just how nuanced our business language has become. In grim times - like the ones we’re living through - nobody really wants to face up to the actual horrors, never mind potential horrors, of events around us. So we find ways of talking about our woes without actually, well, talking about them.

So for those who still fondly imagine that what they hear is what they get, here is a translation guide:

“I have an issue with him”
Translation: Issues means problems. “I have an issue with him”‘ means “I really can’t stand this employee and think termination is the only solution, but I don’t have the authority required.”

“We have a problem”
Translation: Problems are disasters, as in “Houston, we have a problem.”  Understatement is supposed to convey cool in a crisis, but it doesn’t really work any more because everyone’s trying so hard to understate everything that no one believes any of it.

“Status Update”
Translation: Uh, oh. This meeting is normally held for senior managers, behind closed doors. It is the first meeting at which you will learn that the company has been bought/is merging with a rival/is moving to North Dakota/is being down sized or shut down. No, you can’t do this one from home on the speakerphone.

“Yes”
Translation: This really means “maybe.” Why? Because management today is so profoundly risk averse that no one person has the power to approve anything. So if someone says yes, don’t break out the champagne yet. At the very least, you need the yes-person to stay in their job long enough to come through for you.

“Maybe”
Translation: This really means “no way.” Since anyone you deal with is, or feels, on the brink of termination or resignation, they know better than to annoy anyone. They want to keep as many people on their Facebook pages and LinkedIn networks as they can. That means that they never want to be caught absolutely turning anything down.

“No”
Translation: This really means “get out of town!” If anybody feels confident enough to say ‘no’ to your face, it is because your idea is such a stinker that even imminent downsizing can’t disguise the fact.

“Let’s Be Honest”
Translation: This means let’s not be honest; instead, let’s forget the gloom and imagine everything in the garden is rosy. After all - if we can’t cheer each other up, we’ll never hang in long enough to change the future.

There is a lot to be said for euphemisms.